[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes