FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
You Might Also Like
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Straight people are cancelled
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”