The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me irl
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle