Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.