“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do