I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.