from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
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Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
#DesignFail
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Damn what did I do next
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.