Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam