I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Autocorrect completely socks
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping