[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him