• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket