To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh