What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”