Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.