What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
(by @ZachWeiner )
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4