This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
You Might Also Like
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers