art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.