“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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Cop: looks like you鈥檙e wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 馃檪
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what鈥檚 his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You鈥檙e always on that damn phone
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an 脺ber.
Me: I get scared. I can鈥檛 explain it. It鈥檚 a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They鈥檙e just transition lenses. Please calm down.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won鈥檛 be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I鈥檓 not saying it鈥檚 hard for me to lose weight, I鈥檓 just saying if you interrupt me when I鈥檓 eating I鈥檓 starting over.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn鈥檛 be allowed to have grownup money
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry鈥 had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired