I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
how to have fun when you’re poor
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.