How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*