Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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Bond. Trauma bond.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus