I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.