Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.