I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”