Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.