RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything