Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
October already? What’s next? November????
dutch is not a serious language
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
How can I say no to this ?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*