Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I gave up going to work for lent.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
A roof is a house hat.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.