Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap