Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows