[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The Sun
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
won’t smith
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?