My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
What?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Current mood: Potato