Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
You Might Also Like
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.