I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Become a minion. Get that bread.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.