It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I’m Sold!
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.