Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻