I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you