Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
You Might Also Like
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
somebody come look at this
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn