[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Buying a well is money well spent.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.