Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You Might Also Like
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
cats when you pet them too long:
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading