Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
You Might Also Like
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.