I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Time for evil
ready to be harvested
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.