Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
That’s not how days work.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.