Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.