I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
remember
only for emergencies
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God