shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My daily affirmation
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me