Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.