As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
You Might Also Like
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please