*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.