Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My love language is hissing.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage